Saturday, January 30, 2010

Transportation and Mugging

Mugging is everywhere. You can be a victim of a Mug even while walking. But the highest risk is when you are using Public Transportation. Nowadays, Criminals are using Squirt Guns, yo-yo's and soft balls.

Squirt Guns to squirt water on you. Sometimes they can be rude enough to add dirty water to the gun.

Yo-Yo to scare you. By spinning them just next to your face, its really dangerous.

Soft balls are used to beat people with. Even though they are bouncy and soft, they can be scary sometimes.

After years of investigation (Sorry - hours of investigation), I have come up with a few guidelines which should help you overcome the drawbacks of riding Public Transportation. We have the right to travel in Buses. No Muggers are going to hold us back...

Never look outside the window for too long. A little distraction can lead water being squirted at your face and then, mugging!

No matter what happens, never make an eye contact with anybody. You are inviting the "Bad Person" to mug you. Never look up on hearing these lines which criminals may use to lure you - "Hey, look at me." and "Do you need 50 cents?"

Never give up your seat. Since you are standing, your chances of getting mugged increase by 78%. Giving up your seat only indicates you are weak. You might get mugged by the person whom you offered your seat to.

No matter how tempted you are, never speak to the guy sitting next to you. The condition gets even worse when the person is sleeping. This can be taken as an invitation to mug you.

Look away from anyone playing with a Yo-Yo. Even though you wish to learn some new tricks and ask, "Can you teach me some tricks?", the person will hear you as, "Can you..... Mug me?". And so, it can lead to mugging!

Always make sure to be alert to get on and off the correct station. Getting off the wrong station can lead to a Soft ball attack and mugging. Getting in the wrong station can lead to a Squirt gun and Yo-Yo combined attack and a mug!

So here you have it. Some guidelines to keep you off mugging. Public Transportation is always useful. But not necessarily safe. I am sure you will be benefited by them. As a Thank you, please don't meet me in a Bus next time. I am always equipped with a Bubble Shooter Toy. Hope, it doesn't lead to Mugging!
Disclaimer - This post is not to encourage you to take up mugging as a part time profession... Yup, that's it!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Combating Gas prices

Rising Gas prices are a Global issue today. I telepathically heard you say it too. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. From my Dad, my Uncle, my brother, my friends and my dog. OK, not my Dog!

Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing two Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

Don't Drive Your Car: Well, this has to be the most simple solution. You don't drive your Car, you don't have to buy Gas. But if you have an addiction to buy gas even without a vehicle, this won't help you!

Of course, I know what you're going to say.
"But Mr. Stupid, I have places I need to go. Like work and the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lessons and blah and....blah"
"OK, I get the Ting Tong point." Not everyone can sit around the house and laze like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

Carpool: Yup, this is your answer. Instead of using your gas, use Someone Else's! You don't need the guilt of spending that extra money and having lost that very expensive fuel. Have someone else pay to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV for your trip to the mall. It's so simple. Well, it does sound a bit rude. But in case of Gas, do it!

Of course, the concept of carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. You can avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on a 100 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

Never washing your car. Leave it looking and smelling like a landfill.

Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always super hyper. Feed me some too!

Only play 19th century music in your Car. Even though there were not many. If possible, sing a few songs in an annoying voice...
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

Well, there you have it, two ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. One more thing. Don't ever disclose the Carpool secret with anyone...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Avatar and the Bomber!

So where was I yesterday? At a theater. Watching Avatar. The Movie was amazing.
But lets go back in time for the not so awesome moments!

I had to meet up with my friends at a Mall yesterday at 10am. We had booked tickets for Avatar at 10:30am. Since I am always late, they wanted me to be there by 9:30am

I accept it. I am addicted to Candies. My Brother's laptop wasn't working. So how does he convince me to take his motherboard? Give me some candies...

Anyways, now I had a Motherboard with me and was running late. Finally, I arrived at the Mall by 9:50am. Though, I was late, there was plenty of time for the movie to begin. And then I arrived at the main entrance. A security personnel wanted to check my Bag.

Aha. Once I gave my bag, there were a few whispers between the two guys. They then called up another clown to the entrance. It took me well over 20 minutes to convince them it was just a Motherboard. The guy would repeatedly ask, what it was used for.

That was when I was convinced that they were all clowns and were called in as a backup Security. He didn't know what a Motherboard was. He wondered if it would explode. Some more time went by. It was 10:20am now and the movie was scheduled to start in another 10 minutes. And then came the Manager. He didn't recognize what it was too.
"Oh my God. How can you all be so foolish and not recognize a large green chip for a motherboard?

The guy repeatedly poked it and still was not convinced. The final solution was to leave my Bag outside and go watch Avatar. Since, it wasn't my Motherboard, I was more than happy to leave it outside. I then got to the 6th floor. There they stood, the three of them. They were really upset though. But we at least got to the Movie on time.

I wasn't expecting to see the motherboard in my Bag. I was sure the guys might have sent it for further investigation! But my brother was lucky. It was there...
The next time you are at a Mall, never take a Motherboard. And make sure you avoid clowns acting like security guards!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Swearing works?

The other day I was reading an article on the Internet about this Psychologist who said - "You can relieve pain or upset by swearing". My first thought was, what a Ting Tong article Tring...

I am not a bad person. So the foul language out of my mouth is expressed as "Ting Tong and Tring"

Anyways, all I could think was how can this work.
So the other day, I was watching Television and it stopped working. It was the Service provider's fault. All I could see was a Blue screen. I said, "Come on, not now. What a Ting Tong TV and a Tring Service!" And the next moment it was working. Oh my God, this does work!

I managed to sprain my leg the other day. I remembered the Psychologist. He did mention it would relieve me of my pain. So here goes:

Twinkle Twinkle Tring Tong Little Star
How I wonder Tring what Ting you are
Up above the Tong world Ting so Tring high
Like a Ting Tong Diamond in the sky

I didn't have to sing the entire rhyme. My pain was gone. So this does work...

And then I figured why athletes never get a sprain. Maybe swearing is the reason why they don't have more injuries. If you ever carefully looked at them on Television, you would know. The other day I managed to lip read a guy after the race. He was limping. Maybe this is the translation...

Jack and Tring Jill, went up the Ting Tong hill,
To fetch a Tong pail of Ting water.

"Hey, my knee does feel better."

But the whole swearing thing can have an undesirable effect too. A family member is having a high fever and you sit beside him. Instead of some good intentions, you start talking, "Ting Tring and Tong"

Even though he gets better, he would hate you for the rest of his life.

The Psychologist never mentioned all this. I just hope he didn't test it on his family members...

A word of caution, please don't use them in public gatherings and make sure to use only "Ting Tong and Tring"

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Naughty Uncle Time!

The guy in the picture is "Uncle Time". Not the old bearded kindhearted "Father Time" whom we knew.

A bit about this guy - "He has a Huge nose, wears spectacles, looks at his wrist watch unnecessarily and works instead of Father Time on Sundays!" And he is really naughty. Ruins everything on a Sunday...

Have you ever noticed that when you are on a vacation, time goes by rapidly? Yup, during vacations, a minute is reduced to 15 seconds (I am getting a Noble Prize for that).
So where does all that extra time go?
Well, you need to face all that time. So why not on a Sunday when you are in a hurry.

A few months back my Mom was in a hurry for an appointment. It really does not matter what the appointment was, we never really got there on time, thanks to Uncle Time and me.

Well, the appointment was her friend's Birthday party and I was going there to meet a friend of mine who was her neighbor. On the way to this appointment, I said something quite foolish, "Mom, I need to stop at the Supermarket for something." Right then a huge red light went off to alert Uncle Time of my intention.
"What do you need now? We are already late!", she said.
"Well, Candies for your friend. It should be a good present." I told her, as I jumped out of the car, "This will only take a minute." With that, I bounded into the store.
This gave Uncle Time wild laughs. My one minute was going to transform into several minutes.

When I got into the store, I knew exactly where the Candies section was. Somehow, Uncle Time had informed the Store management and they had rearranged the entire store in my honor. The Candies Section too.

And then began the hunt for candies. I couldn't ask for directions. That would only mean I had lost to Uncle Time. (Big Mistake!)

The one minute took well over 15 minutes. My Mom tired of waiting in the car, arrived and then found me in the huge Supermarket. "We are getting late. Let's go!" So we decided to leave. That is when Uncle Time realized he had to do some thing.


Out of nowhere appeared a Candy station just next to the Cashier. This was another obstacle. Only if we had left. My Mom already got a Call. Her response, "We are coming. We got held up in traffic."

Aha. Uncle Time just heard you. I was the only guy in the line for checkout. But there. He did it again. This time, the obstacle was a trainee on her first day working all alone. I hand her the bag of Candy. But the girl, rams her hands towards it and "Oh my God. You just dropped my candies!"

"I am really sorry Sir. I will get them right now", she said.
And then began the 15 minute billing process. Showing each candy under the red light. There was nobody in the store to assist her. But finally we were out.

We were almost 30 minutes late by now. Uncle Time was still not convinced. He wanted some more fun. And then began the great Traffic. Since our vehicle was stopped, I could see my Mom staring at me from the corner of my eye. An eye contact would have triggered a lecture. So all I could do was stare outside the window.

We reached 4 hours past schedule. Uncle Time had won and with a huge margin. My mom's friend was pretty upset. All her friends had left. My Mom was really sorry and then said who's fault it was! The woman turned to enter the house and then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Hey get the Candies. We will surprise her."
Candies, Oh my God, Candies...

We had left it at the Supermarket. Maybe when we rushed out as it was pretty late. I could hear my mom saying to her pal, "Hey guess what we got you a present!"
Don't say that. We don't have the present.

Well, the day ended in lots of embarrassment. She repeatedly said to my Mom, "It's alright. Just forget it. I am glad you guys at least arrived to wish me." My Mom, did repent though to have had me come along with her. I could still see her from the corner of my eye. She was maybe in disbelief that it was the worst day of her life and her son was the reason behind it...

Uncle Time - 100
Me - 0

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Sheet Incident

I had to wash my Bed sheet yesterday. He had peed on it. Yes, my year old Dog, Tyson. I wonder how it happened. It was just moments after I slept, he had to do his Nature's call. Nowhere around the house, but in my room and on my Bed. That was really mean of him. I slept the whole night with the stench.

I wonder what attracts him to my room. Its always that he pees in my room. And I get to clean it.
Well, there is my brother's room. But its an example of a, "Complete Mess". His room is a jungle with trees everywhere. There are bugs in there who just arrived from Mars. So Tyson never enters that place. Maybe he doesn't like Alien company.
The Living Room, well that's were he lives. So obviously, he won't pee there.

So I had to wash the white sheet. I had just washed it previously. Well... 8 years back! (Joke)
I had just finished ironing the sheet, then he strolled in, casual as anything. I started to notice a really strong smell of pee. I looked down. There, right in the middle of my beautiful, crisp, snowy-white sheet, was a huge yellow pee-stain. The White sheet had fallen to the ground and this genius had peed on it. The Bad Dog had struck again.

I was really Mad. And so began the chase, to every single room in the house and then down the stairs. And then, "Oh my God". I was standing on the pile of crap he’d left at the bottom. I couldn't do anything more. I had to accept defeat.
Time to wash my Leg and then the White sheet again. This time, I need to keep the door locked behind me...

Hope he doesn't cause any trouble when I am into Witchcraft. I have been working on a spell so that Shanaz can make her not-so-kind visitors pay her Grocery Bills...  lol

And then, hope I am not troubled while training to be an Astronaut with Ryhen. He promised me it would be deep sea training...  lol

This was one such day when he exhibits his Badness. Well, he does something or the other everyday. But I still love this guy....:)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Deadly Dentist!

Do you know anyone who loves to got to the Dentist?
Well, let me answer for you. NO! That would be a Yes, only if you went there to read the magazines and not for a checkup. Only if you were accompanying the patient. And only if you were the.... Dentist!

It was me and my Grandfather. We were treating ourselves with a not so delicious Double Mint chewing gum.
There was an "Ouch" from him. Then, out came his Tooth Cap.

Again an "Ouch". But this time it was me. I didn't have a tooth cap, though. Just the pain. Maybe there was an overdose of Mint!

So a trip to the mall that day was sure to end in Hell - The Dental Clinic. What looks like a sparkling palace is actually, the Devil's lair.

Anyways, we got to the Dental Clinic and then, my Grandfather marched to the Receptionist.

"Hi there, I'm one of your valued customers and one of my caps came off. How much to glue it back on?"

"No charge, if we put it on", was the response. "Come on over, we'll take care of you!"

So it was his turn to the Dentist first. I could read the Batman comic that was lying nearby. I sat down next to the Door and for some reason it didn't close that day. Maybe the Dentist was cruel enough to let people outside hear all the "Ouchs!"
from his patients.

As he rests on the chair, a Dental assistant came over to collect his Teeth for some minor cleaning. And then, "The Dentist will be over in a moment." Well the moment took almost an hour.

I had to wake my Grandfather from where I was sitting. He had dozed off several times. My pain was really bad now. I was sure it would be either a Teeth plucking or Come back again tomorrow with pills.

Finally, the guy arrived. "I am sorry to keep you waiting. Well, we can put in the Cap right away. Please make your payments with the Cashier."
The word, "Payments" itself indicated more. So he got to the cashier and then, "Are you crazy? $150 for a drop of glue?"

The woman looked like a Lamp post on a lonely street. She didn't utter a word and there was a gap of at least a minute. So it was him again, "$150? that's an outrage, a rip-off. You can get a tube of glue for $1"

He yelled loud enough for everyone in the other dental chairs to hear, and those in the waiting room, and behind the counter, and in the bathrooms, and those walking by and across the street. If you heard a scary voice a few years back, then that was him.

Finally, the woman spoke, "Well, that's our policy..."

"Screw your policy. Give me my tooth!"
, he said.
Now, that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. The woman knew it too. And so came another silly question, "Well,what are you going to do about it?"
"I will show you. I will stick it myself."
OK, now that one was out of this world.

There, they gave his tooth back. He barged out of the clinic, leaving me inside. And then there was the Dentist, "Next..."

It was me. I was the person who was supposed to go next. But my Grandfather had left. Hey I had to get my tooth fixed. But nothing was bringing him back in again.

So I said, "Well, I am with him. He's my Grandfather!"

The Dentist again had a weird look. I had finished the Batman Comic though. It was amazing.

We got to the Car and then he said, "Look, I can manage without a Tooth Cap. Lets go home!"

Anyways, I was glad I didn't have to visit the Dentist that day.

But looks like, I had to meet another Devil. So the next day, I was at another Dental Clinic. But this time, not with my Grandfather...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Restroom Confusion!

Traveling alone can be Hazardous. It can also be a bit humiliating when you are 16 years old.... Well, it sure was in my case.

I had been to my Grandmother's house which was a few hundred miles away from where I lived. So I had to change a few buses to get there.
I got onto the first bus and it was a 3 hour journey. Then, I got into another. This would lead me straight to her house. I managed to get a seat next to the Window. Yay!
But then...."I had to do it. Nature's Call!"
I managed to convince myself that I could wait. But the Window seat was a bad thing to have that day. I saw a Roadside Restroom. There it was. Welcoming me. Glowing besides all the shops around it. The bus would still wait for an entire 15 minutes. So I managed to convince myself to get to the Restroom.

There were three stalls. The first one was taken, so I took the second one.
I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall...
"Hi there, How are you doing?"

My parents had warned me not to speak to strangers. And not to speak to them, if I was in a Washroom (OK, they didn't say that!)
Anyways, I didn't answer him, but then again... "Hello? Hey, how are you?"
I couldn't ignore him again, so I said, "Not bad..."
Pop came the next question, "
So, what are you doing?"
I couldn't answer that, so I just kept quite. Another question fired away. "Out? Where are you going?"
It sounded really weird, so I just wanted to answer him and get out of the place, "Well, to a relative's house..."
His voice again. But this time they were just whispers, "
Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, there is this Idiot next to the stall who answers me!"

Oh my God! How can I be that stupid. I was speaking to a guy who wasn't speaking to me!

I couldn't ignore his next question. It was for me, "Hey who the hell are you. You think you are funny?"

I couldn't utter a thing but then, presence of mind....
I yelled back, "Sir keep your voice down. I am on a call here."
He was dumbfound. He kept quite while I pretended to say a few extra lines and then a Goodbye.

Then he spoke, "Hey where you on a Call too?"
I said an unconvincing Yes!
And then there was a roar of laughter.Well, it was only him. He said, "I thought you were acting funny and trying to tease me." And then again, "Oh my God! That was funny." All I could do was laugh with him.

We departed from the Washroom with a friendly handshake. I got back to my bus and to my window Seat.
What makes this story interesting was I never had a Mobile Phone. Presence of mind sure works in the Restroom!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Mishap at McDonald's

Though, I have been part of many humiliating situations in life, I have sure caused a lot to my family!

Especially, when I was young. I was 3 years old when I had been to McDonald's for the very first time. With me were my Aunt and my Cousin sister who was 2 then.
That particular day, it was really crowded. With people everywhere, and so much of chaos, we managed to get a seat just next to the door. Next to me was sitting another Gentleman and on the other side were my Aunt and Sister.

I had ordered French fries, while she had a Burger. Little cousin, managed to drink a bottle full of milk. And then decided to take a nap!

There was still chaos everywhere with the waiters rushing to their customers. The gentleman next to me was still gulping away the Hamburger and the Large Soda he had purchased.

All of a sudden, my Aunt looked at me and said, "Are you sure you still don't want to go to the potty?"
I said, "No...!" The guy next to me was giggling. My Aunt checked on my cousin. But she was clean. She again looked at me with a horrified look which said it all,
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't get any clothes with me!"
Then she said, "Are you sure you did not have an accident?"
That was a wrong question to ask a 3 year old kid. And so came the answer...

jumped up, yanked down my pants and yelled......."See, its just Farts! Nothing else..."

There was silence everywhere. Over a hundred people choked on their Tacos, Burgers and everything they were eating. The guy sitting next to me was shocked too. He had the Soda in his hand and his mouth opened wide. My Aunt just couldn't believe what had happened.
I then calmly picked up my pants and sat down to have my French Fries. The guy next to me was still looking. So were everyone else.

And then there was a roar of laughter. Everyone of them except the Gentleman next to me and Of course, my Aunt. He had seen everything from the closest distance. He still had the same expression, the one when I first pulled my pants down.
Two guys came over to my Aunt and thanked them for the best laugh they had ever had. I was a Hero that day with some guys taking my pictures. Well, until I was rushed out of McDonald's.

I still wonder what happened to the young Gentleman who was next to me that day. I hope it was just a shock and he was not choking to death...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bwaaaa... Zombies!

I never learn my lesson. I watched another Horror Movie, "Dawn of the Dead". After what happened to me on watching The Ring, I promised my Dog and myself never to watch another scary movie. But I did yesterday. All those Zombies and Half dead people were really yuck. Again it was the same fears. But then, there was a wave of wisdom that struck me.
What if you encountered a Zombie? To make it even worse, what if it was on Halloween?


And so, I present to you today, "Zombie People Outbreak" - A Guide on how to tackle a Zombie!

A Zombie blends in perfectly during Halloween. What if the dead guy rose again and you were the only one facing him?
Well, lets just be prepared...

Don't Panic - Ya right. That was easy to say but when you are facing a weird looking person who wants to eat your brain, its not.

Know Your Enemy - This one is really important.
First know he is a Zombie. Z-O-M-B-I-E  Yeah, spell it out right. Now, go to him and tickle him. Look for an expression. If he laughs, we are not talking of any Zombie. If not, then maybe you should consider him as one.
After the Tickle, then tell him a Sick joke. Again look for an expression. If he giggles, then he's not a Zombie. If not, you better run.

Be the Enemy - Scholars have said - "If you can't Beat the Enemy, Be the Enemy". Now, nobody would say something ridiculous like that, it was me!
Anyways, if you survived the "Know your Enemy" scenario, get back to the Zombie. Your main goal here is to convince him that you are a Zombie too. Now if you didn't wear anything Scary for Halloween, you better run. If you did wear something Idiotic, face the Zombie. Try talking to him in Zombie language. Agree with whatever he says and don't annoy him!

Arm Yourself - You better get to an Ammunition for supplies. If you are rejected there, or are out of cash, use stuff that you already have.
First, go for Candies. You might have collected some "Trick-or-treating". If not, check your pockets. You might have stolen some from the kids. Aim them at his head. Not his mouth!
If that doesn't work, go for your slippers or shoes. If they don't either, run!

Call Someone - If the undead infestation is well underway then the mobile phone networks will almost definitely be down.
Send a text message, it will float around in the aether for a while but it will eventually find it's way when the networks come back online. Now, nobody would come rescue you if they knew there was a Zombie. Tell them there's a Halloween party and they should come join you.
If they bring a few more people, then that would be good. If not, its always great to have company while becoming a Zombie.

If you survive all odds, There we go, a handy little guide to surviving a zombie outbreak. Use it wisely and be sure that the monsters attacking your home are in fact zombies and not children in masks before you get the cricket bat.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Guide on Barking!

"A Guide about Dog Barking from a Dog"

Who else can understand a Dog better?
Another Dog...  So here is my Dog's guide about barking.
Copies available both in English and Dog Language(Bark, Yelp, Woof and everything else...)

Why is your dog barking?

To be honest, I love barking. Sometimes I bark for attention. When peeps look at me, I stop. Other times, I bark when I am excited. I bark some more when I think - "Hey, this rocks!" Then I bark a few more times to finish up.

OK, coming back to the barking problem, whatever you do, don't shout at us. You want to know what I think when you shout at me while I'm barking? "Coooool! They're totally barking with me! This so rocks!"

Understand why your dog is barking.

So, yeah, now you know why I bark. It's important to know why your dog barks, though.
Here are some possible reasons:

He is bored.
He is scared.
He is lonely.
He has seen the postman.
(Aha. Coming to this part....)

About the Postman

Everyone would tell you that your dog barks when he sees the Postman.
"Now, if nobody's told you that, its embarrassing!"  We don't see this guy as a friend. Only a Foe. Hey, he is entering my property! "I sure would teach him a lesson if it was Me against him in a Steel Cage Match!"

As any dog will tell you, we bark at the postman because we hate that guy. In the wild, postmen are our natural enemies. Walking up our driveway day after day. Stuffing things through our door and then the box thing, ringing the bell... "I mean, honestly, do you think that's acceptable?"

Stopping the Barking

"Hey, that's not fair. You speak to everyone at home. You yell at the neighbors. You shout at the Television when it goes blank. You speak to nobody while sleeping like a crazy person. And you want us not to bark..."
Anyways, you can't do anything about our mentality against Postmen! But Bribe can make us stop barking. A few Chocolates, Good boys and Snuggles should reduce our barking.

"That is no way going to stop me from barking though. I rule everyone at my home and they know it"

Tyson's "A Guide about Dog Barking from a Dog" has limited copies on Sale. Get one today and understand your dog better.
** If you are a Postman, then sorry. You ain't getting this book. The T&C of the book states a big NO to Postmen **

Friday, January 8, 2010

Being a Witch!

I am planning to take up a new Hobby. Witchcraft!
Sigh, yawn....zzzzzz....
These are the two spells that I have tried and tested. Believe me, they work...

Da Blah Blah Spell
- Be a free soul. Forget lectures from your teachers, parents, friends, pets and every thing that talks.
"Da Blah Blah Spell" is an easy one but needs a lot of concentration. Firstly, take a small piece of paper and write, "Blah Blah" in it. Next say the following lines seven times.
"Da Blah Blah makes others do Blah Blah"
Once said, look at yourself in the Mirror and wonder why you would want to do this spell.

*Poof* Spell has taken affect.

From now on every time you are lectured, you can hear the words, "Blah Blah Blah....."
What makes this spell annoying is the repeated Blah's.

The Money Spell
- First of all, make sure you have a coin and a bill. Bury the coin in a pot and water it everyday for a month. Remove the coin after a month and buy candies with it.
Forget the incident of burying the coin.
Now bury a bill in the same pot. Don't water or else you will ruin the bill. Stare at the pot for three weeks.

Now, forget the burying of the bill. Go to a Mirror and start wondering why you stared at the pot for so long.
Remember having buried the coin again. Rip up the mud and remove the bill.
"Wow, the coin is now a Note!"

Maybe these two spells are signs of my successful Witchcraft career... :)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What I would wish for...

I was watching TV with my best friend, my year old dog, Tyson.

All of a sudden, I didn't find him around. After a quick look, there he was, In the living room. Standing on the Carpet. I knew what he would do and I had to get to him.

I ran across the Hallway and when I was just a few meters away from him, he had done it.
"Why do you have to Pee on it every time?"
He looked at me. Not with guilt though.
It said it all, "You know it. I rule you!"

Anyways, It was my job to clean it up. And believe me, Its not that easy to clean this stuff!
No help from him either. He just goes back to my brother's room and continues watching TV.

I wish I was a Dog.
Yes, I want to be one...

No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

You can spend hours just smelling stuff. And that is fun!
No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner.
No need for table manners.
If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
Every garbage can is a grand buffet!

Hope I am a Dog. I will get to trouble people and still be looked after at like Tyson...
Now to find a Shooting star for my wish...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Spotty kicked away!

Kicking an animal is a Sin. And I committed it once.
Of course, it was an accident but I regret it to this day. And I am reminded of this incident every single day when I see Spotty, the 6 year old Golden Retriever who lives just across the street.

It was a calm evening when I had kicked him. I was on the swing. Believe me, concentrate on everything you do.
So I was swinging when all of a sudden Spotty showed up from nowhere. I never noticed him, and that was when, it happened. He came really close to the swing and all I could do was stretch my legs.


Spotty was airborne for about 3 seconds and then he fell 5 meters away. I ran to him. He wasn't hurt. I was glad he wasn't hurt. But I had to make a run, because he was really upset.
And then the chase began! I was running like a crazy kid around the park with folks all around. While, there were a few who were laughing, there were others who were shocked. And then a few others running. (Hey, why the hell are you guys running.)

Anyways, I had to take cover. There was again the Slide that had saved me from Buster once. I sat on top of it, while spotty was still barking. And then his owner had to come and pick him up.

I was really sorry but was glad he was OK.
I don't communicate that well with dogs, but I went over and apologized to him. All I got was a few barks. I mistook it for, "That's Alright. Mistakes happen!"
But I was wrong...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Weight Loss failure!

My Cousin was at my home yesterday. He looked really sad. I couldn't stand it any longer. So I asked him why he was so upset. (See I am such a good person)

Anyways, he started off telling his Diet program was not working and he really had to do something about his weight. He had also read this article on Obesity and felt that he was a victim now for a Heart Attack or High Blood pressure.

(OK - I knew what his next question would be - Will you join me for morning walks?)
Hey - I can't wake up that early. And I even can't walk that far everyday...
So even before he could say a thing, I said,
"Don't worry. I will mail you a few tips to loose your weight."

He was really happy and then left. I didn't know any tips. Nor any suggestions...
So I decided to mail him this -

Excuses why my New Year's Resolutions to lose weight end in failure

I wasn't getting enough to eat on One diet so I had to go on Four.

Its winter and I need the extra insulation to keep me warm.

I went to the gym and somebody was on my machine. So I realized everything happens for a reason and it wasn't meant for me.

I have to buy junk food for the kids even though they don't really need that stuff. And I don't actually have any kids or know any kids.

I messed up and ate a chip on Day 5 so I gave up until next year's resolutions.

Turns out I didn't really mean it.

I know, he is going to be really mad. But, maybe he will lose some weight running to my house :)