Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Fortune Teller

I have always gone with the Fortune Telling Machine rather than a real Fortune teller. At least, the machine makes weird sounds and always gives me a fortune to be happy about.

I was once at a Carnival. My Family did not appreciate the idea of going to a Fortune teller. So, I was the only one on the adventure. As I roamed, I found the stall.
I was really excited and since I had some money, I was ready to go.

I entered the room and found a woman sitting in the dark. She had this glowing ball in front of her and the light revealed her face. She was very old and It looked like she had never combed her hair. And by "Never", I mean "Never, Ever, Ever".

She kept staring at me and then pointed to a seat. I still got the stares...
"And why are you staring at me?"
"I am looking. Looking into your future."
"My face tells the future? Wow. In that case, I should read it everyday while I look at the Mirror!"

The Old woman seemed to be angry.
"So, you seek a fortune?"

She took my right hand and read my palm for a few minutes.
"Am I getting a fortune?"
"Patience my child!"

Some more minutes and she gave me the scary looks, "This is really hard, but here goes - You will live a long miserable life!"
"Yes. I am sorry. But that is what your hand says!"
"How about my left hand. Maybe it talks about a long and not-so miserable life."
"No, It doesn't work that way..."
"How about the Crystal thingy?"
"Well, that won't be necessary. You palm says it all."

After some pleading and a sad face, she agreed to use the Crystal ball. Now, there were hair in front of her face and she shouted, "Oh Crystal ball. Show me! Tell me the Future."
The moment she said that, her hands reached down to a switch. The Ball started to glow. This was getting really suspicious, but exciting.
"Wow, the ball is glowing!"
"Yes. I see your future. Wrath and Misfortune. Though, a long life. But how will that help with so much suffering?"
"I still get the long life right?"
"Not even a little happiness?"
"Great. Oh yeah, about the Crystal ball why did it glow?"
"Son, this Ball is endowed with powers."
"Okay... And you got to see my miserable life on the other side of the ball?"

She looked even more scarier now.
"Yes. I saw your future to be fruitless, miserable and end in poverty. As I said, you will live a long yet sad and lonely life."
"You seem to be more of a Misfortune Teller than a Fortune one."

I laughed and expected the Old lady to join. Though, she didn't appreciate my joke. A guy was called over the phone who escorted me out of the stall. In other words, kicked me out.

So, I decided to include another career in my "To be when I am big" list. To be a Fortune teller, all you need is a Light Bulb, a Crystal Ball, a Fortune teller costume, a Security guard and a scary face with scarier hair.
I have none. But, my dog should be a great security guard. As for the costume, I will get one from my Mom's closet.
My Aquarium bowl should look like a crystal. Don't worry. The guy in it will be safe in a new home. As for the scary hair, no more haircuts for me. And by "No more", I mean "Never, Ever, Ever"...


  1. ROFL! Mr Stupid you always manage to make me laugh at the times when I most need a pick me up.
    You must post some pics of you in your new guise as Mr Stupid the Amazing Misfortune Teller!

  2. I am not into fortune telling as I think we make our own destinations in life, but this post I thought was very funny. Thanks for sharing,


  3. LOL! Years ago I hired a masseuse for a home service massage(of course). Little did I know that the lady was also a "misfortune teller". She asked for my hand while she's giving me a massage. Without batting an eyelash she told me that I will be a widow in the early years of my marriage. Even if I don't believe in fortune telling still it wasn't a funny thing to hear! She even advised me to do this and that to prevent it. I cut her off and pay immediately. I wanted to tell her: "Did somebody tell you that today you're going to die?" :D

    Have a good day S!

  4. I think you should take up professional writing of funny articles as your career.. I would buy a magazine to read your articles. Very funny and you always have incidents which we feel so familiar with.. Keep it up Mr.Stupid. I love to visit your blog.

  5. lol cute post :)

    I have never been to a fortune teller but I am very curious to see one after reading your post.
    Not that I believe in them..but just have some fun :)

  6. hahaha. i think you would do just fine as a fortune teller...and you should make a mint as you are going to be around for a while...smiles.

  7. Those machines are great. As a writer, I think it'd be cool to write the typed fortunes that pop out of those machines.

    Visit me at FourthGradeNothing.com

  8. hahaha now that's a really lame misfortune teller. From the misfortune she had been sharing with people, I bet none of them came back for more, and that explained why she never, ever, ever combed her hair, because she was too poor to purchase a comb, too un-creative to use her own fingers as one.

    Enjoyable story as always, Mr Stupid! =)

  9. Loved this story! I read Tarot cards and use crystals and semi-precious stones sometimes, but you can always change your future.
    I only use them for my own use though, but I have a huge rose quartz that does really glow from the inside! I'm totally open minded whether there is anything in it or not.

  10. Hi Mr Stupid. The best way to make a fortune is to become a Fortune teller. But I'd just wear a wig if I were you!

    Bearfriend xx

  11. I bet the fortune teller knew she wasn't making any fortune from you so she decided to spew out all the misfortune thing!! :)
    A fortune teller with a dog as security guard looks real cool!! Go ahead with it and I foresee the gods blessing you with good fortune!! ;)

  12. Gwei Mui: Well, I should do the pictures. Look at my Picture and figure out your fortune... LOL
    Glad you liked the post...:)

    Yvonne: Yeah. We decide our future. A fortune of "You will be rich!" and sleeping all day won't help.
    I found that saying somewhere... hehe

    "BUTTERY"fly: You should have punched her on the face. I am sure, she wouldn't have realized that was going to happen.
    Punch! Now, why didn't I do the same thing then?
    Ta Ta

    Farila: I am planning to write a magazine. No need of money though. Some candies and chocolates should do the trick... LOL
    Thanks for stopping by...:)

    Lazy Pineapple: Wait for a few days until my hair grow awkwardly. Then, you can visit me. By then, I should be a great (mis)Fortune teller... LOL

    Brian Miller: Thank you Brian. You get a cut of the profit I make from Fortune telling... hehe
    Have a good day!:)

    Ally: They sure are great. I once got a fortune that said, "You are going to enjoy yourself tomorrow!"
    I broke my nose the next day! LOL
    Thanks for stopping by...:)

    Shanaz: I should have gifted her a comb. Or maybe, she got it as a freebie with the "Crystal Ball" and thinks the comb is endowed with powers too... tee hee

    Alice: My Mom had a set of Tarot cards, which she got from a relative. I decided to learn how to use it and spent 3 days learning what each card was.
    Let's say, I never understood them...:)

    Bearfriend: What if an angry customer set it on fire? That could be an issue... LOL
    Ta Ta

    Gautam: Here's a slogan - "Pay Up or Paw Up!". Does that sound scary?
    Maybe, that should convince all the customers that there's a Dog in the stall... LOL
    Have a good day!:)

  13. There's a lot of fortune tellers in my city lately. It's a booming business. I believe that there are a gifted few that can read your fortune. Most of them charge you outrageous reading fees. You have a good sense of humor and you handled it way with that lady.

  14. haha... dude you're crazy!

    anyway, you can bet that anyone who puts a fee on reading other people's fortune is a fake. besides, palm reading and other kinds of fortune telling that use props could be easily studied. The real McCoy's, however, don't need to use anything. They'll just look at you and images will flash inside their heads. Some are born with it and some put painstaking efforts to acquire it, but everyone knows that it cannot be used to gain profit. The reason? Well, the guardians will get mad at you and whoop your ass once they discover that you're fooling around with spiritual powers. Just my 2 cents.


  15. This is my first visit and I love your blog. I will be back to read more. You are so FUNNY!!! HAVE A FAB DAY!!!

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  16. Hilarious, man, friggin' hilarious. She does sound like the Misfortune Teller. Only a long and miserable life for you, I guess. :) Oh well. Have a candy bar and go to your happy place.

    At least she put the extra effort in by flipping the switch on the ball and putting on an act for ya.

    I went to a fortune teller (for real) one time. I did it because I had a ten dollars to throw away, at the time. After looking at my hands, she, of course, gave me the bit about being famous and rich later on in life. All during the fortune telling, I was smiling, knowing she was blowing smoke my ass but I let her drone on for the entertainment value.

  17. I love the "Misfortune Teller" line. Very funny! Good story.

    I've stayed away from fortune tellers and palm readers. I don't wanna know. I'm too damn superstitious. (Knock on wood) See??!!

    Happy Friday.

  18. thanks for making me laugh so much ,great great work i think i will be smiling for long time by thinking of her spoiled hair,you are brilliant ,god bless you take care

  19. Wow. What an experience.

    I went to a fortune teller on my senior trip. She argued with me for 20 minutes that there was a man in my life. There was no man. Eventually I humored her so she would move on.

    She said he was a man who liked sports. Way to narrow it down genius. That's only like 98 percent of the men I know. Then she said "we would travel together and experience many things."

    All I could say was "we argued for 20 minutes just for you to say that? You might as well just have said 'here's your money back.'"

    She wasn't thrilled with me either.

  20. I went to a fortune teller and she told me that I had a short life line. Then when I pressed her on it, I was out of time. Apparently, time is not one of my better assets. Same thing happened in therapy.

    "You see, Dr. I always feel like I never have enough time."

    "It's because you were always late when you were a teenager and . . . Oh, gee. I'm sorry. It looks like we're out of time."

  21. I just found your blog, and I really love it, this post make me laugh really hard, I have gone to those fortune tellers, but like you, it looks like I was going to have a miserable life, but I never believed them.


  22. Hahah!Thank you, i enjoyed reading your story sir! great one.
    actually, it is only God who knows our future..and He loves to give us abundant, happy life.
    Jer. 29:11
    John 10:10
    God bless everyone.(=